Uniboob and Blueberry: The Larry King Live Interview

LARRY KING, CNN HOST: Tonight, Donny and Marie Osmond in their first interview together in five years. They'll tell us about making TV history 30 years ago with the "Donny and Marie Show" and the show business legends they worked with.

Good evening and welcome to another edition of LARRY KING LIVE with two old friends and two true legends, Donny and Marie Osmond, their first time together on TV in five years. It's been 30 years since they first appeared on ABC with that hit show that carried their names, the first network variety show ever hosted by a brother and sister and they've got a big DVD that's coming out in August. We're going to tell you all about that later.

But first, why so long since you've been on together?

UNIBOOB: Larry, we're not Donny and Marie Osmond. I'm Uniboob and this is Blueberry.

KING: Why so long since you've been on together? Why?

BLUEBERRY: Umm, Larry? We've never been on your show before. In fact, we've never been on TV before this...

UNIBOOB: Except that episode of "Cops"

BLUEBERRY: Hey! That fucker stole our vacuum cleaner! What was I supposed to do?!

KING: You both had success quite early in life. You didn't knock around for 20 years before someone discovered you in a lounge.

BLUEBERRY: Umm... Larry?

UNIBOOB: Actually, Donny's quite the lounge singer, Larry.

BLUEBERRY: Umm... Uniboob?

UNIBOOB: Shhh... I'm Marie. Play along, dumbass.

BLUEBERRY: But Larry is supposed to be asking us about why we came to Earth and what we think of the humans here and why we like Jell-O so much...

UNIBOOB: Don't make me crap on your lawn.

BLUEBERRY: *sighs* Oh fine. Larry, can you please repeat the question?

KING: You both had success quite early in life. You two didn't knock around for 20 years before someone discovered you in a lounge.

BLUEBERRY: *sighs* Yes. But we worked every single kind of show you can possibly imagine and, you know, little teeny places, diners with sticky counters, and I remember one time in San Francisco at the Fairmont Hotel...

KING: That place isn't so tiny.

BLUEBERRY: No, it's not and we go out there headlining right and we run out on stage and we started singing. We look out. There's two people in the audience. We were there for two weeks and there were more people on stage than in the crowd... and midgets. We don't know where they came from.

UNIBOOB: They were the cleaning crew. It was so difficult to perform without laughing. If I wore pants, I would have peed them.

BLUEBERRY: The midgets were lost. They spoke with German accents and had David Hasselhoff hair.

KING: I don't know what you're both talking about. You two seem so much different now. What happened to the old Donny and Marie that we all loved to watch in the 70's?

UNIBOOB: We're aliens, Larry. From outer space!

BLUEBERRY: We're also a little bit rock and roll, Larry.

KING: *laughs* *coughs*

[[[[ commercial break ]]]]

KING: And we're back with visiting aliens, Uniboob and Blueberry.

UNIBOOB: Hey! It appears Larry's cerebral blockage has cleared...

BLUEBERRY: Shhh... don't jinx it!

KING: So, first obvious question is, of course, are you a female breast?

UNIBOOB: No, but I get that a lot. I may resemble a human female's breast, but it is just a coincidence. People can be quite weird about it, though. If I had a nickel for each time some jackass copped a feel... it's why I loathe public transportation...

KING: You never ride the bus?

BLUEBERRY: They smell like feces.

UNIBOOB: That's a fun word.

BLUEBERRY: Not as much fun as Jell-O!

UNIBOOB: Nothing is as much fun as Jell-O!

KING: Why the fascination with Jell-O?

BLUEBERRY: He didn't just ask that...

UNIBOOB: Larry, is your cerebral blockage coming back? Jell-O is why we are here!

KING: Here on TV?

BLUEBERRY: Here on Earth!

UNIBOOB: We're collecting data that is very important to our way of life back home.

BLUEBERRY: There's a shortage of jiggly food and...

KING: You're a blueberry?

BLUEBERRY: No, that's my name.

KING: You look like a blueberry.

BLUEBERRY: And you smell like Alpo, Larry!

UNIBOOB: Blueberry!

BLUEBERRY: Hey! He started it!

UNIBOOB: Larry, I'm not a female breast and Blueberry is not a blueberry. We've been on Earth for awhile now, investigating jiggly foods and sending the data back home.

KING: Is there a shortage of jiggly foods on your planet?

UNIBOOB: Jiggly foods are the panda bears of our planet.

KING: Panda bears?

BLUEBERRY: Try to keep up, Larry. Pandas are almost extinct on Earth. Jiggly food is almost extinct on...

KING: Jiggly food? Like Jell-O?

UNIBOOB: Oh, he's just Corky slow, isn't he?

BLUEBERRY: I TOLD you we should have called Oprah!

UNIBOOB: How was I supposed to know he was this slow?!

KING: Jiggly food? Like Jell-O?

BLUEBERRY: Ugh! You wanna get some lunch?

UNIBOOB: I'm jonesing for a Snickers.

BLUEBERRY: Let's go...

KING: Neither of you have feet. How do you get around?

UNIBOOB: See ya, Corky.

BLUEBERRY: Smell ya later, Larry!

KING: Hey! You guys can hover! How do you do that? Wait! You have no hands either. Or mouths! How were you both talking to me just now?! Where do you live? How long have you been here? Where is your space ship??? Will more aliens be coming to Earth??? Do you know anything about those crop circles??? Hey guys! WAIT!!!

[[[[ commercial break ]]]]

[[[[ guests left set --- interview did not continue ]]]]